I am going to say one of those drop-dead-honest things that you’re just not meant to say: I miss people that I am not supposed to miss. It reminds me of my old sleeping tablet addiction. Even though I haven’t taken a tablet for months, I still have moments where all I want to do is swallow a little white pill and fade into blissful sleep.
In the same way, there are people in my life- ex friends, ex boyfriends- who sometimes pop into my mind and stay there until something else takes their place. Even years after the relationship has been torn into tiny paper shreds, it seems as if I have kept some of those shreds somewhere deep inside me. Unfortunately, I have put them somewhere so safe that I cannot remember where I put them. Over time, I have found one or two pieces and thrown them away, but some of them are hide-and-seek masters.
It is strange, because I have a whole new life that makes me smile every day. I have new friends, a perfection-in-a-bottle boyfriend and the fieriest passion for what I do. You would think that time and happiness would put the past out of your mind, but it just doesn’t. You can be happy and still have moments of painful reminiscence. It is all part of being human.
I’ll admit, sobbing on the cold brown tiles, begging my ex-boyfriend not to leave me was not my finest moment. Besides the fact there were inhumane amounts of snot dribbling down my face, far too close too my mouth, it was also the moment when I lost the last little bit of dignity I had.
We’ve all had those “please don’t leave me!” sobs. Generally, they happen when it’s really and truly time to leave, but the thought of being alone is more terrifying than staying in a relationship where you’re not wanted or happy.
It wasn’t the first time he had tried to leave me, and after that final time, I promised myself that I would never let someone tell me they didn’t want me more than once. Unfortunately, I didn’t quite live up to this promise.
The problem is that people can tell you that they don’t want you without using a single word. I learned this the hard way. It was guy who called me “dude” after I persistently embarrassed myself by texting him for days. The guy who wanted me only when I called first. The friend who became best friends with a girl who treated me like trash, and then started treating me the same way.
The thing is, someone who isn’t all in is generally out. I realise that it is quite dramatic to say that you’ll never let someone tell you they don’t want you more than once, because second chances are real and many successful relationships have been through this hiccup and came out the other end stronger. However, more often than not, when someone shows you what they’re really feeling, you sure as hell should believe them.
You guys, I’m going to be honest. I was that roommate that never did the dishes. Yes, that inconsiderate person who genuinely saw no problem with leaving a giant pile of messy dishes on the kitchen counter for others to deal with. Just the thought of this makes me wish I could go back and shake myself. You see, I always thought that people who constantly cleaned were just using it as a distraction from their real problems. It was as if they believed that cleaning their room would magically clean their life. These people always seemed so unhappy to me, and so I was remarkably proud of the Mess Mountain that was my room. The only problem? My messy ass was unhappy too. I couldn’t help but wonder, if clean people were unhappy and messy people were unhappy, what the hell are we supposed to do?
After becoming a much cleaner person (although I do still enjoy a bit of “comfort clutter”), thanks to the Queen of Clean herself, Marie Kondo, I have formulated a little hypothesis that explains the true magic of cleaning in the eyes of an ex mess-a-holic:
The real benefit of cleaning is in the fact that you no longer have to worry about cleaning.
This means you have no excuse but to deal with the real problems in your life.
Thus, cleaning can make you a better person.
Whether your bookshelf is organised in alphabetical order or you have to cross Mess Mountain to get to your bed, I truly hope that you can learn to deal with the things that are truly important in your life- like making time to curl up with a cup of tea and slab of chocolate on a Sunday evening.